


Under Control

by ribonhwa



Category: the GazettE
Genre: M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 17:57:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1908417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ribonhwa/pseuds/ribonhwa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He'd spent years trying to perfect himself to stay under control around Ruki - now it seems Reita's slowly losing that control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Gay friend falling for his straight best friend - a little cliché, but I try to make it work !  
> Inspiration for this comes and goes, like with all my ideas, please be patient.  
> My first time writing masturbation… So a little nervous.  
> Enjoy !

There was a cold wind blowing down the street. It made everyone cling tighter to their coats or jackets, put their hands deeper into their pockets or even seek refuge in one of the coffee shops. There was one man, who didn't move however. He had long ago put his hands as deep into his black coat's pockets as he could and pulled collar and hood up to protect his blond bleached head from the cold. The clouds in the sky were white and looked non-threatening like that, yet they blocked all sunlight that could warm him. His dark eyes looked up to see them as tightly in place as ever.

Akira Suzuki, commonly known as the bassist Reita, was not fond this kind of weather. Reluctantly he could even admit that he wasn't much for being outdoors at all, that he was much more for spending his time indoors reading his One Pieces or playing on his PlayStation(but wether he admitted to that or not depended a lot on who he was talking to). There was one person, who kept him waiting, so at the moment it was necessary. That person could keep him waiting long periods of times, some that felt like they would never end, but he couldn't quite find it in him to give up. In more ways than one.

There were not as many people moving along the street as usual, like there most likely would have been if the weather had been better. Reita looked up and down the street once more, but didn't find what he was looking for. A girl passed him with a big bag he recognized, one he was sure to find in the arms of who he was waiting for. It made his thin lips curve into a smile and move a little.  
There was a deep and vibration coming from his coat's pocket. He pulled out his phone and his dark eyes read the message he'd received.

_I'll be there in 5min. Sorry. Ask for a table for two and wait for me a moment. OK?_

Reita typed a simple _OK_ back in his message. There was a relief that settled in him, though he hadn't been worried for the other.

"Hello", the girl at the reception of the restaurant offered Reita with a polite smile on her full, red lips. "It's cold outside, isn't it?" she asked him seeing him pull his hood from over his head.

"Yes, very", he admitted and felt his cheeks tingle pleasantly as the heat settled into them again. "My friend is coming shortly. Do you have a table for two available?" he asked first looking at the girl and then out the glass door for said friend.

"We do", she answered. "Do you prefer a table by the window?"

"Sure", Reita answered and smiled as he saw a familiar figure approach the restaurant doors. "There he is", he told the girl as the door opened and a man stepped inside.

There were shades covering his eyes even with the cloudy sky, his coat was big on him by design, his legs clad in tight denim and his hair was blond at the tips, but otherwise dark. The bag on his arm was, as Reita had predicted, the same as he had seen with the girl. Takanori Matsumoto, better known as the vocalist Ruki, fashionably late as always.

Reita could tell that the waitress was impressed by the look of Ruki, but he was sure it didn't come near the emotional distress he was under. He always came close to forgetting how his heart could beat faster, when he looked at the other. When the other wasn't around he could assure himself that there wasn't a longing for Ruki. It was a strange feeling, because there was a need for the other to like him and he felt it was too stupid to act on - he did not want to be like a teenage girl longing for love and awaiting approval from her crush.

"Finally decided to show up then", Reita said teasingly. He had become good at ignoring the feelings, acting like there wasn't anything more than friendship between them. He didn't wait for the excuses he was sure Ruki would have and continued: "There's a table for us."

The waitress showed them to their table, which was up on the second floor of the restaurant and by the window. It had a nice view of the rather deserted, narrow street and a small, lit candle between them. Ruki sat down with a sigh and placed his bag down by the foot of the table. His big, dark shades were placed on the table beside his glass. The hair fell over one side of his handsome face and he didn't have on as much make-up as usually, some dark around his eyes, foundation and nude on his full lips.

"I'm sorry, I really thought I could make it", Ruki apologized not sounding too sorry. Reita nodded his head not upset about the whole thing at all. The 15 minutes he had been waiting had felt long while outside in the cold, but it was a lesser amount of time than what Ruki had made him wait for in the past. "You know, what you're going to order yet?"

"Not really", Reita answered in a deep mumble. Foreign restaurants wasn't something he was as familiar with as Ruki was, but the other liked going to them. "I can take, what you're having and if I don't like it, you can eat it", he decided closing his menu not understanding much what was in there. He liked the idea of Ruki eating his leftovers, which was more often the case than not. It was an indication of how close they were, a comfort and yet a sad reminder to Reita.

"Number 23 then", Ruki said closing his menu as well and placing it on Reita's one.

"Something very creamy with pasta I assume", Reita guessed with a smirk. Ruki nodded his head with a small laugh. The waitress came just then to take their order. Reita noticed with amusement how she batted her eyes at Ruki while asking in a very feminine voice:

"Are you ready to order?"

"Two of the number 23 and two cokes", Ruki said in disinterested voice not even looking at her. She left with the promise of coming back with the drinks as soon as possible. Reita thanked since Ruki didn't seem to be in the mood to do so.

"I saw a girl with the same purse as you", Reita told Ruki once the waitress had left.

"Or a cheap copy of it", Ruki replied. "It's a unisex bag anyways."

"Sure", Reita answered feeling a little taken aback by the defensive answer. There were days, more often than not, that Ruki would be able to laugh at something like that, saying how he wore it better or something alike to it - something Reita did agree with, not comfortable with most girls or anything they chose to wear. "Something wrong?" he asked. He knew Ruki's normal behavior and something seemed off, like a slightly tense tone in his voice and a faraway look in his light brown eyes.

"Not really, no", Ruki answered and bit his full lower lip. It used to drive Reita crazy, when the other would do that. It still succeeded in capturing his attention to the lightly abused skin under the white teeth. "It's just women, you know?" Ruki continued on with a sigh.

Reita wasn't surprised by that being the topic, it was something Ruki talked about from time to time. He couldn't really say he knew though, since it had been almost 10 years, since he'd had his last fateful encounter with a girl. After that when he'd needed to play around he did it on the other side of the field so to say. Ruki didn't want an answer anyway, so Reita didn't answer.

"If she wants attention and stuff, but she isn't willing to give anything back", Ruki started slowly clearly thinking about how he could put his feelings and thoughts into words - Reita knew how difficult that was, he'd never been good at it. Ruki rarely had to, he was more ready with words. "That's not right", he finished just in time, when the waitress came around with their drinks.

"Here you go", she said and Reita gave her a thank you, when Ruki didn't.

"Like that one too, I bet", Ruki said in a low voice, when she left their table again.

"I doubt she means any harm, she's just serving us", Reita said in the poor waitress's defense.

"No, women in general are like that", Ruki insisted looking at Reita with wide eyes. He took a sip from his tall glass of coca cola and continued: "The reason I was late was because of this problem with them. She insisted I should spend time with her today and she got angry, when I said I had plans with you."

Reita couldn't quite place the fluttery feeling, that spread inside him. It was alike to the tingly feeling of warmth, when coming inside after being outside and it slowly spread. It was unique to the times, when Ruki blew of his girlfriend to spend time with him instead.

"Well, she should realize how important I am", Reita said jokingly. In that moment he felt more important to Ruki than his girlfriend. It went beyond that feeling to actually the truth, since Ruki did blow of the girls he dated for him quite often. It was rarely the other way around, but when it was, reality hit Reita hard.

"She should realize that I have a life outside of what I have with her", Ruki joined in. "She said that if I didn't spend time with her, she would break it off with me", he continued telling his problem with his current girlfriend.

"Did she?" Reita asked and took a sip from his own coca cola.

"No, I broke it off with her", Ruki said sounding quite satisfied with that accomplishment. "If she's going to be like that, what joy can I possibly have with her?"

"I guess not much", Reita answered with a small laugh. He did realize, how unreasonable Ruki might seem to the girls he dated and he doubted they had any chance of knowing how to handle the man.

"The problem is that all women seem to be like that", Ruki said with a sigh. His light brown eyes looked over Reita's shoulder at the waitress, who was bringing their food over. Reita followed his eyes and smiled politely at the waitress, when she came over.

"Here you go", she said in polite voice a small smile on her red lips. "Please enjoy."

"Thank you, we will", Reita answered her. He turned his eyes back to Ruki after that and the waitress retreated. There was a sense in him that knew, when Ruki was done talking. Reita had known the other long enough to develop that and he knew the other would still go on:

"And when things are like that, how are you supposed to live with someone like that? Be together with someone like that?" Ruki asked not as much frustrated as annoyed. He picked up his silverware and began picking at his food. It was a sign for Reita to jump in:

"If they are not open to compromise, it sounds impossible", he said. There was no way to be sure, what should be said in the situation, but he was fairly sure that Ruki wasn't open to compromise, so he turned the sentence around. He suppressed the want to suggest Ruki trying men, which nagged at his mind: the thought was both amusing and appealing to him, but he had it under control.

"Don't you have problems like this?" Ruki asked him next. It wasn't the first time, that Reita was met with these kinds of questions of why he didn't seem to have stories to tell about women, troubles or other wise. Like always he averted his eyes to begin with, mind working for an answer.

"I'm not seeing anyone right now", Reita said for an answer. He preferred telling these kinds of answers, where he didn't exactly have to lie.

"Lucky you", Ruki said with a laugh. Even if it was humorously said, Reita could tell the other meant it. It seemed like he was truly fed up with women. He watched as the other ate the creamy pasta, and thought that if there ever was a moment to knock women completely out of Ruki's world, it would be then. Wouldn't men seem much more appealing than the nagging attention whores Ruki seemed to think all women were?

"You know, you could try men?"

The words slipped out of his mouth, before he could stop them. It was only a momentary lose of the control he had over himself and he lowered his eyes immediately afterwards more than a little ashamed. He heard a low chuckle from Ruki, and he laughed along as well, trying to play it off as a joke. It was increasingly hard, when he could feel his heart beating fast. It reacted to his nervousness, the anticipation of Ruki's reaction.

"Might actually be a good idea, since women are so difficult", Ruki replied jokingly. This time it actually sounded like he was joking, there was no hidden truth behind the words. Reita could feel his heart sink a little and he just laughed along.

There was nothing left for him to, nothing he could think of to say, so a silence lingered between them afterwards. Sounds could be heard from elsewhere in the restaurant and from the street, but neither of them said anything. Reita began picking at his food, not particularly having much appetite. There was a slightly nauseous feeling in his stomach caused by the nervousness. The pair of light brown eyes studied him, he could feel them on him. Then Ruki focused his attention on his food.

"So, what's new with you?" he asked his deep voice unusually soft and kind. Reita knew it was because Ruki could tell he was uncomfortable, but he played along with it: he had no desire to be welling in these feelings.

"Nothing much really", he answered out of habit. It was a standard answer, since he didn't consider his life eventful for the most part. He continued on telling how he played through the new PlayStation game. The conversation went from there, and they finished their meals. Reita still wasn't able to eat that much, and Ruki finished off his leftovers as well.

"You didn't like it much, did you?" Ruki asked with a laugh. His fingers were playing with the rings he had on, and Reita looked at them watching the gold and silver turn.

"It was good", he answered and lifted his eyes. It really did taste good, he was used to these kinds of restaurant by now, Ruki had taken him to them long enough. Not that he wouldn't actually still prefer ramen or McDonalds. "It's not ramen, but it's good", he added jokingly.

"You and your ramen", Ruki said with a laugh. He never failed to find Reita's lame comments amusing. "It's my turn to pay, right? I'm assuming you don't want desert", he continued and bent down to pick up his bag.

"Sure, the time you pay, we can't have desert", Reita jokingly complained. Ruki smiled and shot him a look without saying anything. His fingers found his wallet soon enough and they waited around for the waitress to come around.

"It's not this busy here today", Ruki complained with a sigh. Reita just shrugged his shoulders, not really bothered by the wait - he knew Ruki was only this harsh to the poor waitress, because his girlfriend issue.

"All finished up here?" she asked pleasantly as he came around to take their empty plates. Reita gave her a nod and a smile. "Hopefully you enjoyed it", she continued.

"It was very nice, thank you", Reita replied and decided to speed things up from there: "Left no room for desert, so we would like our check next then, please."

She gave a small chuckle at his request and agreed to bring it right up. "Will you be paying separately or together?"

"Together, please", Ruki answered shortly. Even the waitress could hear that despite the please, it was no request, more like a command.

"Coming right up, please wait a small while", she promised and left with the plates.

Reita shot Ruki a questionable look raising one eyebrow, when she was out of sight. Ruki answered the look with his own clearly not going to explain himself.

"It's not her fault, you know", Reita said and averted his eyes from the other. He'd got himself under control most of the time around Ruki, had learned to act natural and might even once in a while make himself forget about his deeper feelings. There was just something about looking at the other for too long that had his heart beating faster, like it was preparing for something more, something far more intense.

"I know, but I didn't get to lash out on the one, who's fault is", Ruki confessed tiredly.

"Didn't she get punished, when you broke it off with her?" Reita asked. "Or was that more like doing her a favor?" he added not even thinking twice about the last comment.

"Could be either", Ruki answered getting the humor of the comment. That's when their waitress arrived with the check and Ruki handed her his credit card.

She left them with a small thank you and a promise to be back shortly. Obviously she had no desire to stay near Ruki longer than she had to, having had a taste of his sour mood. Reita didn't say anything about it, but he found it amusing nevertheless.

"We should get going", Ruki said with a sigh. Reita nodded and got up to get his coat from the rack behind him, while Ruki didn't make a move to do so. Ruki's coat was right next to his and he took it as well. He bowed down to the younger man and holding out the coat to him. "Well, aren't you a gentleman?" Ruki laughed and took his coat from Reita's slender hands.

Reita just shrugged his shoulders. They put on their coats and Ruki put on his shades as well, before the waitress returned with Ruki's credit card and the receipt.

"Here you go", She said placing them on the table next to Ruki's wallet. "Please come again and have a nice continued day."

"We will, thank you", Reita replied. These responds were automatic and he wanted the poor girl to feel better about the whole thing after Ruki's mild rudeness. She bowed her head and left them.

They got dressed and left the restaurant.

"You never fail to put me in a better mood", Ruki said as they stepped outside, Reita holding the door open for him.

"That's because I'm so funny", Reita said lamely and jokingly. It wasn't untrue, Ruki did always find his humor amusing, and he wasn't sure if the other would or could ever take him seriously, ever again. It was as much a blessing as a curse, and he thought maybe it was why Ruki enjoyed spending time with him.

"Yes, you are", Ruki said as they stood outside the restaurant and the statement sounded a little unfinished, like Ruki wanted to continue somehow. Shades blocking Reita from looking the other into his eyes, so he couldn't really tell at all, what Ruki was thinking.

"Well, I better get home", Reita said, when Ruki didn't say anything else. Ruki nodded and bid him a goodbye.

The feeling remained, like there was something left unsaid. It bothered Reita as he waited by his bus stop. It was only after the rain started to fall that he forgot about it. It poured down enough to soak him, before the bus arrived, and he could only focus on how uncomfortable he was in his wet coat and pants the whole ride. The comforting thought of a warm shower helped him keep going as he ran from the bus stop near his home.

His slender hands were slightly shaking with the cold as he opened the door to the building. The relief of getting inside, if only in the hallway, felt so nice, like finally getting to breathe. He let out a small, shaky sigh as his whole body was still shivering with the cold. Not having the strength nor the desire to climb the stairs, he pushed the button to the elevator and the doors opened with a cling-sound.

Once Reita reached his front door his hands weren't shaking as much and he got the door open with no problems. The shivers were not as bad and he felt tingles in his body as it began heating up. Stripping of his coat and shoes he left them on the floor right in front of his door. He continued removing his clothes as he made it through his living room and to the door of his bathroom.

The heated tiles felt nice under his cold toes as he made it across the floor to his shower. The first stream of water was always cold and he move out of the way from that, testing the temperature with his foot before accepting it and moving under the hot water.

"Oh, yes", he spoke out in a moan at the pleasure. It was uncommon for him to utter words, when alone. He felt uncomfortable at that and didn't enjoy listening to his own voice. At that moment the sound of the running shower, the water hitting the tiles, drowned out his soft, deep voice, so he wasn't bothered.

He ran his hands over his cold and slowly warming arms, before moving them over his neck and down to his chest. It soon felt warmer, nicely hot and Reita reached over to the few bottles of soaps and shampoos he owned. He grabbed a black one, opened the cap and squeezed some of the liquid content onto his hand. His brown eyes closed and he felt along his body, spreading the soap. His chest felt firm, but slender and as he moved down he could feel his ribs. Moving lower down his stomach and to his hips, he was met with his sharp hipbone. He circled it with his fingers a couple of times, and felt the sharpest top of it. His hand moved more centered, in-between his legs and lingered there as he fondled himself.

More often than not, he ended up like this after meeting up with Ruki - it wasn't like he planned on it or wanted it to be so, but the younger man just seemed to be more prominently on his mind at those moments. This time he didn't bother fight it at all. From time to time he did try, because masturbating just after seeing Ruki made him feel guilty and ashamed, like he was somehow violating the other and making him dirty.

A sigh escaped his lips and he leaned against the tiled wall. He felt himself getting harder and harder as he moved his soaped hand across his member. The many fantasies that played out in his head came back and he focused on one of them. His hand moved lazily as he began thinking of himself and Ruki in a car, himself in the drivers seat. Ruki leaning over to lick his cock and going further to suck it between those full lips, light brown eyes looking up at him seductively. His hand began moving faster and he let out a small moan regretting it immediately, the sound woke him completely from his fantasy shattering it.

He began focussing again, breathing faster and his heart racing. Those thing became blurry as he got his head back into the car, where Ruki was now sitting in his lap. His mouth was sucking on Reita's neck and his hands were down in Reita's pants playing with his cock. In the shower Reita moved a hand to his mouth wanting to keep all possible to himself as his other hand moved faster. Ruki was only wearing an oversized dress shirt, his own member as hard as Reita and he lifted himself to steady himself for what was about to come, go into him.

After that all images in his head became blurred up and mixed as he came. The moan was muffled by the hand he held over his mouth. It took some time for him to come around after that and he blinked his eyes a couple to times to clear his head and concentrated on getting his breathing even still leaning against the wall.

He took some more soap to clean himself up a second time. Reita exited the shower not feeling proud of himself at all. He found himself a towel and got dressed. After cleaning up the clothes he'd thrown around the living room floor, he moved to pick up his coat and fetched his cell phone from the pocket. Having 3 missed calls and a message, he unlocked the phone and looked them through: all calls from Ruki and the message not so surprisingly from him as well:

_Hey. As you know my evening opened up, since the break up and all. You want to come over?_


	2. Chapter 2

It was plain colors for the most part in Ruki's apartment. It was so neat and decorated, the colors calming, beautiful and in a sort of symphony that brought peace to the whole place. It usually did wonders to Reita, getting him settled down there with ease, and this time it didn't fail either. His fluttering heart had come down to a steady beat, when he took a seat in the soft sofa. After the small conversation they had been through upon Reita's arrival, it just seemed like Ruki had been a little bored being alone for the evening.

It would have been a lie to say, that Reita hadn't been worried about Ruki waiting to say something about before. That brief moment, where he said the comment about trying men, and that something Ruki hadn't said after, could have something to do with each other. And there was really nothing Reita wanted less than to talk about being gay. He'd been very careful with his behavior and all things he ever said to avoid by any chance coming out: staying in the closet was fine with him, he could live that, didn't want it to change.

The way the evening was going, it seemed Ruki only wanted to talk more about his ex-girlfriend. She had apparently called him earlier again, trying to patch things up. It was of course not the right move to do, but Reita assumed she didn't know Ruki very well: his girlfriends usually didn't get to know him too well, before they became ex-girlfriends.

"The nerve of her is quite unbelievable, don't you think?" Ruki summed up in, what seemed to be the ending of the whole conversation about this ex-girlfriend. Reita hadn't been talking much, just humming agreeably and once in a while getting in a sentence, which basically just repeated what Ruki had said.

"Sure is", he agreed once again. He lifted his glass from the coffee table, but found it empty. That had repeated about three times by then, not changing that the glass was empty. Only that time Ruki seemed to notice:

"Let me get you some more", he offered and took the glass from Reita, before getting up and leaving for the kitchen.

Reita waited on the couch, his eyes wandering around the room. Koron, Ruki's black tan chihuahua, was laying under the coffee table and looked quite bored. His big, brown eyes looked up at Reita a moment and his fluffy tail began moving to show appreciation for him. Another thing that usually made Reita feel good was Koron actually: Ruki always told him how the small dog just sneered at his girlfriends, while he was quite fond of Reita.

But then again, wasn't it just another thing that gave him false hope and fake feel of importance?

Reita moved his eyes from the dog as he heard Ruki's footsteps nearing. He returned with two full glasses of cola and a small smile on his lips. The smile was a little careful and polite, one that Reita wasn't used to being associated with and wasn't sure, what to make of.

"Here", Ruki offered and handed him his glass. He sat on the opposite side of the couch from Reita and drank from his own glass.

"Thank you", Reita accepted and took a sip. It was nice and cool on his throat, which had yearned for it for some time. The bubbles tickled as it went down and before he even realized he'd drank half the glass.

"I must have talked on, no regard to you", Ruki laughed as Reita drank. Reita just shook his head no, even though it might have been a little true. But he could have said something, or even gotten himself more to drink. There had just not been a time, where he'd felt like interrupting the other. "Why don't you talk now, then?" Ruki suggested seemingly out of the blue, and Reita was rather taken a back. Ruki's eyes looked at him expectantly, like there was something specific Ruki wanted him to say - and while Reita didn't want to disappoint the other, he wasn't sure what that something was.

"Well, what do you want me to talk about?" Reita asked in return. He was more than a little amused by the turn of conversation. Ruki bit his lower lip in thought or maybe more in hesitation. It captured Reita's eyes, but made him uncomfortable at the same time.

What was a topic, that Ruki wanted to bring up, but didn't know how to?

"Something about you", Ruki answered after a while and raised an eyebrow at Reita, his eyes ever as expectant. Everything about Ruki willed Reita to understand, wanted him to say that something, and it dawned on him so suddenly that he was sure the panic could be read from his face at that instant.

Having had his closet door the way he wanted it to be, lights out and quiet. While he knew this wasn't an open door, at maximum it was someone trying to peek into a dark closet from the keyhole, it felt like someone was pulling him out. If Ruki hadn't caught him as much of surprise as he had, Reita might have been able to lie about the whole thing, blow it off or joke about it.

"It's OK, you know", Ruki tried to comfort him, when Reita didn't say anything. The shorter man moved closer to him on the couch and put his hand on Reita's shoulder. The gesture did everything, but calm Reita down as he just lowered his eyes. His tongue felt tied, even if he wanted to say anything to deny being gay and he could actually feel how his body began to slightly shake - all his muscles beckoned him to run away, since he felt afraid. "There's nothing wrong with being gay", Ruki spoke up again, his voice sounding soft and pitying. His hand was stroking along Reita's arm soothingly, and that was the moment Reita couldn't take it anymore.

"I have to go", he said in a shaky, but firm voice. He stood up without looking at Ruki. Koron got up as well, from underneath the coffee table and followed after him to the front door.

"I'm sorry, don't go."

Reita heard Ruki call after him, but he didn't react to it, just kept going. He was pulling on his shoes, when Ruki reached him.

"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up. We don't have to talk about it, OK?" he tried to make things better. Reita just shook his head no, not able to speak. There was a lot of things running through his mind, most of which he wanted to say, but wasn't able to. For the first time in years he was able to think about Ruki without feeling guilty about how he felt or wanting to be closer to the other. At that moment what he felt was a hot, burning anger and the need to get away from Ruki.

"I'm just going to go now", Reita replied as he'd got his shoes on. Koron jumping around his feet and acting silly, didn't fit the tension between them, but didn't help it either. While he didn't like, that he had to ask Ruki for anything at that moment, he knew if he confirmed one little thing, he might be able to sleep that night: "I'd appreciate if you didn't tell anyone."

"I won't", Ruki promised quickly. Reita still wasn't looking at him as he put on his coat and went for the door. "See you later then", Ruki bid a goodbye. His voice sounded defeated, a tone it rarely had to it. If his hot flashes of anger had allowed him to Reita would have felt sorry for the other - later on he actually did.

His way home felt long as he sat on the buss. The scenery outside went by not looking any different than it used to and he didn't pay it any mind. The feelings in him swirled around varying from anxiety and annoyance to having himself calm down for a second or two. The calm never lasted longer than a few deep breaths, before the reality of the situation dawned on him again.

The only real comfort Reita found in the whole situation was that Ruki hadn't seemed disgusted with him.

The beeps from his coat's pocket reminded him that he was getting a text, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to look at it. It could have blown the comfort he found in Ruki not being upset about him being gay. The thought made him flinch a little, since he wasn't used to thinking of himself as gay. It felt strange and uncomfortable, he was nowhere near OK with the idea, or the truth more likely.  
When he finally arrived home, he found the courage to look at his phone and the text he'd received. It was from Ruki, not so surprisingly:

_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you angry or anything. If you don't want to talk about it, it's OK._

Reita could feel how his stomach dropped, as he read the text. He felt bad for how he'd acted towards Ruki in the sheer panic of that moment. He quickly replied to the text:

_You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm sorry._

The urge to add much more, explanations or something, was overwhelming, but he resisted it. Instead he threw his phone on his couch and stripped out of his clothes on his way to his bedroom. There was a small desire to see, what Ruki would reply, but looking might have been more than what he could handle for the evening.

Reita left his boxers on and threw his T-shirt on the bedroom floor, when he got there. The covers provided him with a feel of shelter from the world, that he felt scared to face again. It took a long time for Reita to catch sleep that night with all the thoughts running through his head - and try as he may, he couldn't empty it of them. Eventually his exhaustion caught up with him, his eyes fluttered shut and he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment and kudos !

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to comment !


End file.
